Do not tell me I'm not trying hard enough

Do not tell me I'm not trying hard enough. Do not assume I didn't think of the basic "problems" or "solutions" - ask. Because, you know, then I'll probably be trying really hard not to punch you in the face. If i succeed in restraining myself, I am strong enough to keep going, which is clearly most important to me. If I succeed in punching you, you're hurt and I am definitely strong enough to go through my wars and win, with or without your condescension.

These are things everyone going through a hard time wants to say to everyone else. These are things our orthodox society wants to keep shushed. In fact if the society wasn't such, no one would dare to question our worth and the world would be more peaceful in more than one way. Being human would no longer need approval.

As much as I would like to fight doubters with my fists, I would like to write about it and tell people they are not alone in being angry - neither am I. Some of us hide it because it's more polite that way, others because there just seems to be no point in showing it. We are never sure how the receiver might react to our anger, but do we really deserve to be made to feel insufficient for the world? The only thing we can control is ourselves, and by control I do not mean hold back, I mean let out the exact amount we wish to. Overcoming nonsensical restrictions to express ourselves is half the battle won.

There is power in me which you don't know about, power which I didn't show you because I do not need to prove myself to you. I am enough and your underestimation of me shows just how little you know me.

Again strong words society wants to shush. Sometimes I wish it wasnt so diffiicult to stand up for ourselves simply because of the stress it creates. We are not pressure cookers who can only whistle when absolutely stuffed! It hurts when people undermine us and it is our right to speak up. We shouldn't be ashamed of it and we shouldn't be embarrassed of the wars we are fighting inside of us. This is what it feels like to be human in a world which wants robots. It is time humans learn to be both human and humane - to both express oneself and to respect others.

Trail of Thoughts: Midnight Edition

Looking back at my earlier blogs I realise my journey of writing is changing the way I see things, the way I communicate, the way I express. It started out with a crude attempt at writing somewhat of an essay, just the way school essays are expected to be. Over time and over many hours of reading and introspection my writings changed from essays to open diary entries. My way of looking at things has changed too; call it more mature or just plain realistic, the choice is yours. It is a long journey covered in a short time frame inside our minds: our thoughts never wait to be put into words, they simply flow.

What I feel while I put this into words feels close to what we call eye-opening realisation. Endless tiny realisations seem to come back to me, finding links where there seemed to be none, creating a blur picture that gets clearer with every peek. I am far too young to exactly know, with far too many adventures waiting for me in life, waiting for me to discover parts of me which I never knew existed. To make sense of the world is a lifelong process. Why we persist to do so is a question which has been answered yet I feel there is more to it.

Millions of years of evolution and the subsequent gradual enlargement of our brains are not enough to answer many questions we have about life. However one thing we know for sure is that change is the only constant in nature. Gradual or sudden, predicted or unexpected, every change builds up the world both within and without us. Nature finds its way to restore balance in every chaotic situation. Our unconscious has been hardwired to try and maintain balance in our lives, be it emotional, physical, social or otherwise. The harder we try to compel our mind to behave in a way that will create imbalance, the greater is the rebound we face to get back to normal. C’est la vie. I believe this is the major explanation behind the saying, ‘Trust your heart, it knows the way.’ After all freedom to be ourselves is what we all desire! What use is logic if we never intend to apply it?

What if the very change we are afraid to bring about is the one that we actually need?

Stairs, Stares and My Take on the Two

When I first went out in my wheelchair, it was an eye-opening experience for me. I found out that it is true when many of my fellow wheelchair community members say, "We only have two major challenges - stairs and stares."

I understood the part about stairs even before I actually went out in my wheelchair. I and my parents probably spent hours deciding where to go because so few places in Vadodara are accessible to people like me! Wherever there are two or more steps, a wheelchair has to be carried, as also the person in it. Sometimes if there is a lift, there is a short staircase before we can reach it. Other times there is no issue in reaching the lift but the entrance to it is too small for a wheelchair to fit through. And sometimes when there are good ramps, not too steep and not too slippery, there are vehicles parked in front of them. So if I can’t enter a place, how am I going to enjoy it? Luckily because of the “Accessible India” movement along with growing awareness, more and more places are becoming equipped with better infrastructure and thus open for the community to enjoy.

Coming to the stares part, I believe it is more of a curiosity – filled mindset problem than anything else. Most people tend to underestimate every person in a wheelchair. They underestimate our ability to move around on our own, to pick out things that we like, even the ability of our companions in supporting us whenever few times we need. I have seen strangers gaping when I transfer myself from a wheelchair into a car. I have seen them gaping when I sit in the food court and place orders when with my friends. I have seen them gaping when I collide into someone and then apologise with a smile instead of falling off my wheelchair. Often there are kids who smile at me while their parents frown and pull them away, maybe because of some stigma they have attached to this condition, to wheelchairs, out of a completely bizarre belief which I fail to understand.

To be honest, it feels encouraging to see someone smile at me and acknowledge my presence and not just that of my wheelchair. It feels like magic exists when little kids come up to me and say you’ll be alright with their sweet little laughs and then run away to their happily waiting parents. It feels empowering to know that I rebuild people’s mindsets each time I interact with them. I feel strength in knowing that I am complete, with or without my wheelchair. Also, I do not feel ashamed to ask for help although unwanted help feels annoying. I do not hate stares although receiving smiles are way better. Getting acceptance from the society for being the way I am is a blessing that most of us in the community struggle for. Let us all make the world a better place – a more accessible and accepting place.

A Step Ahead

Today I took a step further, faced my fear of being in a crowd. After two long years I am attending the Navratri celebration of my school. Of course, it is difficult. Looking at everyone around me dancing to this magical tune, all these happy faces, listening to this music and not being able to go and dance as I used to earlier. It is even more difficult considering the fact that this is the one festival I have always waited for every year. I don't remember ever being so excited for any other festival. And now, although stripped away from that beautiful crowd, dancing and enjoying every moment, every beat, I come to think of how blessed I really am. I can still feel the blood rush through my body every time I hear the familiar tune of Garba. I can still feel goosebumps on my skin every time my favourite-of-all Garba plays in the background and everyone jumps to the rythm. I am fortunate enough to feel everything I used to feel earlier.

The one big difference this time is that I am looking at all those subtle moments which earlier went unnoticed because of the adrenaline. Friends teasing each other. Lovers looking at each other, smiling and unable to look away. A garba player, high on this enchanting Navratri fever, losing herself in the moment. The beautiful Durga idol, devotees all around it, praying for all the happiness in the world. If not for my injury I would never have looked at these things. I realised there is so much beauty and serenity in this festival of colour, energy and adrenaline. It brings people together, connects people with themselves. Maybe somewhere in my heart I knew I was missing it too much, but all I did about it was to shirk away altogether from the festival. Maybe it isn't so bad to sit here, looking and listening and feeling it all but not participating myself. Maybe life isn't so unfair as people tend to assume.

After all this time in a wheelchair I realised a lot of things about life, happiness, priorities, friendship and whatnot. In the end all that matters is what we choose to remember and the way we choose to remember it. I have had my low moments when I cried my eyes out missing all the things I used to do earlier. But something about today is different. I am facing a lot of what I fear - crowds, Garba, sitting alone and watching while everyone is having fun. But today I choose to smile. I choose to remember the sound of this heavenly music and the feel of its beats and all the happy faces around me.

Today I choose to cherish each moment I witness of this celebration.

Today I choose to be happy.

The Salt in my Life

Knowingly or unknowingly, our life is greatly influenced by the people we choose to be associated with. It affects our emotional state, our self confidence and also our intellect. And then comes the attention we choose to give them. The more responsive and affectionate we are to someone, the more they are likely to feel connected to us. But sometimes we fail to acknowledge those who really are close to our heart, maybe because we do not find enough words for the kind of special that they are. Maybe when they are present we feel comfortable even in silence, or we don’t feel it necessary to keep a conversation alive. We might not notice their presence but their absence affects. I like to call such people the salt in our lives.

As we all know, salt is what makes food taste so good. It is what enhances the various flavours, makes the spices show their true form. But when there is no salt, all we taste is blandness – no flavour, no excitement...the food is everything but enjoyable. Similarly when the metaphorical salt is away from us, we feel incomplete. It is the magic in their presence which makes everything seem normal and pleasant.

Such a person in my life is one of my cousins. We were born five months apart, and have grown up together. I have no siblings but he never lets me feel so. We stayed in different cities but we used to visit each other during every vacation that we got. Last year he came to stay with my family in order to study his last two years of school life. But every moment that he can since the day he came, he tries to make me laugh, even if it means making a fool out of himself. Such is my cousin – playful and mature, hardworking and humorous. So many of my happy childhood memories are with him that I wonder how come he isn’t my real brother. All those little things that we did as kids that got us into trouble – cutting his hair to make him almost bald, fighting with each other, climbing the tree at my granny’s home – the list is endless. But it was after he started to live with us that his absence started to affect me.

There are a lot of things to do when it comes to looking after me ever since my injury - two years ago. My cousin seemed to be a boon to my mother when he came here. He helped with my busy schedule of physiotherapy by keeping everything that I needed ready at the right time. He reminded me to take my medicines on time, came to help me at my every beck and call without getting tired. He still does all of this with a huge smile on his face, and never leaves an opportunity to tease me and keep me happy. So here is a small message to the salt in my life on his birthday– all I can ever do to repay you is to be by your side all my life, and I promise I will be right here. Happy birthday!