Stairs, Stares and My Take on the Two

When I first went out in my wheelchair, it was an eye-opening experience for me. I found out that it is true when many of my fellow wheelchair community members say, "We only have two major challenges - stairs and stares."

I understood the part about stairs even before I actually went out in my wheelchair. I and my parents probably spent hours deciding where to go because so few places in Vadodara are accessible to people like me! Wherever there are two or more steps, a wheelchair has to be carried, as also the person in it. Sometimes if there is a lift, there is a short staircase before we can reach it. Other times there is no issue in reaching the lift but the entrance to it is too small for a wheelchair to fit through. And sometimes when there are good ramps, not too steep and not too slippery, there are vehicles parked in front of them. So if I can’t enter a place, how am I going to enjoy it? Luckily because of the “Accessible India” movement along with growing awareness, more and more places are becoming equipped with better infrastructure and thus open for the community to enjoy.

Coming to the stares part, I believe it is more of a curiosity – filled mindset problem than anything else. Most people tend to underestimate every person in a wheelchair. They underestimate our ability to move around on our own, to pick out things that we like, even the ability of our companions in supporting us whenever few times we need. I have seen strangers gaping when I transfer myself from a wheelchair into a car. I have seen them gaping when I sit in the food court and place orders when with my friends. I have seen them gaping when I collide into someone and then apologise with a smile instead of falling off my wheelchair. Often there are kids who smile at me while their parents frown and pull them away, maybe because of some stigma they have attached to this condition, to wheelchairs, out of a completely bizarre belief which I fail to understand.

To be honest, it feels encouraging to see someone smile at me and acknowledge my presence and not just that of my wheelchair. It feels like magic exists when little kids come up to me and say you’ll be alright with their sweet little laughs and then run away to their happily waiting parents. It feels empowering to know that I rebuild people’s mindsets each time I interact with them. I feel strength in knowing that I am complete, with or without my wheelchair. Also, I do not feel ashamed to ask for help although unwanted help feels annoying. I do not hate stares although receiving smiles are way better. Getting acceptance from the society for being the way I am is a blessing that most of us in the community struggle for. Let us all make the world a better place – a more accessible and accepting place.

A Step Ahead

Today I took a step further, faced my fear of being in a crowd. After two long years I am attending the Navratri celebration of my school. Of course, it is difficult. Looking at everyone around me dancing to this magical tune, all these happy faces, listening to this music and not being able to go and dance as I used to earlier. It is even more difficult considering the fact that this is the one festival I have always waited for every year. I don't remember ever being so excited for any other festival. And now, although stripped away from that beautiful crowd, dancing and enjoying every moment, every beat, I come to think of how blessed I really am. I can still feel the blood rush through my body every time I hear the familiar tune of Garba. I can still feel goosebumps on my skin every time my favourite-of-all Garba plays in the background and everyone jumps to the rythm. I am fortunate enough to feel everything I used to feel earlier.

The one big difference this time is that I am looking at all those subtle moments which earlier went unnoticed because of the adrenaline. Friends teasing each other. Lovers looking at each other, smiling and unable to look away. A garba player, high on this enchanting Navratri fever, losing herself in the moment. The beautiful Durga idol, devotees all around it, praying for all the happiness in the world. If not for my injury I would never have looked at these things. I realised there is so much beauty and serenity in this festival of colour, energy and adrenaline. It brings people together, connects people with themselves. Maybe somewhere in my heart I knew I was missing it too much, but all I did about it was to shirk away altogether from the festival. Maybe it isn't so bad to sit here, looking and listening and feeling it all but not participating myself. Maybe life isn't so unfair as people tend to assume.

After all this time in a wheelchair I realised a lot of things about life, happiness, priorities, friendship and whatnot. In the end all that matters is what we choose to remember and the way we choose to remember it. I have had my low moments when I cried my eyes out missing all the things I used to do earlier. But something about today is different. I am facing a lot of what I fear - crowds, Garba, sitting alone and watching while everyone is having fun. But today I choose to smile. I choose to remember the sound of this heavenly music and the feel of its beats and all the happy faces around me.

Today I choose to cherish each moment I witness of this celebration.

Today I choose to be happy.

The Salt in my Life

Knowingly or unknowingly, our life is greatly influenced by the people we choose to be associated with. It affects our emotional state, our self confidence and also our intellect. And then comes the attention we choose to give them. The more responsive and affectionate we are to someone, the more they are likely to feel connected to us. But sometimes we fail to acknowledge those who really are close to our heart, maybe because we do not find enough words for the kind of special that they are. Maybe when they are present we feel comfortable even in silence, or we don’t feel it necessary to keep a conversation alive. We might not notice their presence but their absence affects. I like to call such people the salt in our lives.

As we all know, salt is what makes food taste so good. It is what enhances the various flavours, makes the spices show their true form. But when there is no salt, all we taste is blandness – no flavour, no excitement...the food is everything but enjoyable. Similarly when the metaphorical salt is away from us, we feel incomplete. It is the magic in their presence which makes everything seem normal and pleasant.

Such a person in my life is one of my cousins. We were born five months apart, and have grown up together. I have no siblings but he never lets me feel so. We stayed in different cities but we used to visit each other during every vacation that we got. Last year he came to stay with my family in order to study his last two years of school life. But every moment that he can since the day he came, he tries to make me laugh, even if it means making a fool out of himself. Such is my cousin – playful and mature, hardworking and humorous. So many of my happy childhood memories are with him that I wonder how come he isn’t my real brother. All those little things that we did as kids that got us into trouble – cutting his hair to make him almost bald, fighting with each other, climbing the tree at my granny’s home – the list is endless. But it was after he started to live with us that his absence started to affect me.

There are a lot of things to do when it comes to looking after me ever since my injury - two years ago. My cousin seemed to be a boon to my mother when he came here. He helped with my busy schedule of physiotherapy by keeping everything that I needed ready at the right time. He reminded me to take my medicines on time, came to help me at my every beck and call without getting tired. He still does all of this with a huge smile on his face, and never leaves an opportunity to tease me and keep me happy. So here is a small message to the salt in my life on his birthday– all I can ever do to repay you is to be by your side all my life, and I promise I will be right here. Happy birthday!

A Little Perspective

The Oxford English dictionary defines perspective as “a way of thinking about something.” There exist as many perspectives in the world as there are people. Each one is unique and gives us an insight about the person who owns it. Yet our mind stays stuck to just one of them when trying to solve problems or while even thinking about something. Our own.

Often we experience that we cannot think of a possible way of solving our problems, of dealing with people. We wonder what makes people so different from one another. The answer to these questions may seem unrelated, but really, it all lies in how we look at things. For instance, we see old people around us. So many of them stay in a state of seclusion, and no matter how hard we try, they seem impossible to satisfy. Their mindset seems to have become inflexible and they do not accept changes as easily as we do. They take themselves to be a burden upon the lives of their ‘extremely busy children,’ or they tend to find flaws with everything their children try to do for them. And then there are the other type, the ones which want to be included, and tend to find the good stuff in everything around them. They know there is a need to take action to be happy – only expecting others to do something is useless. Upon close observation, we notice that the only difference between these two types of the same age group is their perspective – the latter more positive than the former.

Such examples abound in our life. People who have suffered from an accident physically may or may not have suffered mentally. Ever since my accident, people have asked me, “Don’t you ask yourself why this happened to you?” And I have only had one thing to say. Whatever happens, happens for good. This is not a very happy incidence, I agree. But the changes it has incurred in my perspective, in my way of looking at things, is overwhelming. Never have I ever pitied myself, nor have I let anybody else pity me. Thinking positively can get you through everything.

There are times when we are completely devoid of hope. There is nothing that seems to comfort us, to make us feel worthy. The simple question that can help us find meaning in such situations is this: ‘What good might this do to me?’ No matter how long it takes to find the answer to this question, in the end that alone is what heals our soul, helps us find ourselves and makes us more positive. This little change in perspective – from focussing on what’s good rather than what’s bad – is what can keep us going.

What can we do to stay positive? Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to stay positive. But once an effort is taken, it is possible to find happiness in everything, even create happiness where necessary. There is a lot that can be done. Try to look at things in as many different ways as possible. Assert yourself, “you can do it” and push yourself again. Do what you love and love what you do. Give yourself a break from those things that hurt you – even people. Think of what can be done, not what damage has already occurred. Have patience. Remember, it is the little things that matter in life. Stop expecting and start doing. Smile to yourself and be thankful for your life. There are people out there who want to be in your place, so consider yourself lucky. Inculcate habits which are healthy both physically and mentally. Never give up, because better things are yet to come!

Loneliness

Loneliness. Deep, dark, brutal. Every time it approaches you, it eats you from the inside. It makes you want to cry, to do crazy things. It is one of the major causes of depression, even suicide. Most of it is because you expected people to be there when you needed them, and they simply didn’t show up. Sadly, almost everyone goes through this every day. Most of them are either ashamed to say it out loud or don’t even know what just happened to their emotions. And yes, I experienced it too.

After my spinal cord injury, I have seen many people go away. Many of the new people I met just stared at me and my wheelchair, and I felt more embarrassed than ever. Surprisingly, many of my old not-so-close friends were still there for me. I had never thought they would be the ones who would comfort me. But the weight of losing my close ones was so much, I felt lonely. Then I started going to school. This was even worse than in the hospital. It was me who could not move around the class and socialise, not my classmates. But maybe only a few of my classmates realised this, and they became the reason my fake smiles turned into real ones. But the others – they just made me lonely. Maybe they couldn’t accept me like this – a bubbly and cheerful girl full of life, extremely active sportsperson, now sitting in a wheelchair. Maybe they were scared, or didn’t even care. Now, I realised that I couldn’t find my happiness and comfort in everyone. So I decided that I wanted to break free.

I started to shift my focus from being primarily social to studying hard and do what I loved and could. Every time I felt lonely, I sought my wonderful parents. I told them everything I felt, even cried if I wanted to. They understand me better than anybody else ever will. Of course it felt weird the first time, but then we didn’t even need to talk. A nice warm hug would do it all. My loneliness? Temporarily gone, until the next time I’m unable to attend a party with friends or tired of having to stand out. I still go all over these things every single time I feel lonely so I would feel better. And then I entered class 11, a major positive spin in my life.

I am in the Humanities stream, Arts as it was known as previously. We are only 14 students. But on the first day we discovered that we had to sit along with the commerce students. Somehow, I wasn’t happy. I knew almost everybody, but I just couldn’t stand all the staring. I only talked to a few students – I was afraid of the others because I thought they would make fun of me, exclude me. (Luckily this didn’t happen) Then, finally after the attendance was done and the 14 of us went together for our first lesson, I realised that just like me, they were nervous, afraid and shy. They felt the same as me, but in a different context. So I decided to open up, and since we were only 14 in number, we had enough time to speak about ourselves. My new friends started to wipe out my loneliness. They included me in everything I could possibly do. They made me feel special and happy, I had a chance to introspect a lot, I had an opportunity to find true friends, all because they were (and are) by my side. Now when I’m lonely, it is mainly because I rarely meet some of my close friends as they have changed schools. But then, there’s always the thought that wherever they are, they must be happy, and that makes me feel good.

Finally, the battle against loneliness is tough, strenuous and long. But it’s not like we can’t do anything about it: actually there’s a lot we can do. Watch movies, go out to play, listen to your favourite music, introspect, and travel. And yes, find someone who listens to you when you need them, and don’t hide anything from them. Got nobody? Write a diary, or a blog. Discover your creative side. Learn to let go. Remember, if you keep it in your heart, it will break you. Share it with those you trust and you will be happy again!