Loneliness

Loneliness. Deep, dark, brutal. Every time it approaches you, it eats you from the inside. It makes you want to cry, to do crazy things. It is one of the major causes of depression, even suicide. Most of it is because you expected people to be there when you needed them, and they simply didn’t show up. Sadly, almost everyone goes through this every day. Most of them are either ashamed to say it out loud or don’t even know what just happened to their emotions. And yes, I experienced it too.

After my spinal cord injury, I have seen many people go away. Many of the new people I met just stared at me and my wheelchair, and I felt more embarrassed than ever. Surprisingly, many of my old not-so-close friends were still there for me. I had never thought they would be the ones who would comfort me. But the weight of losing my close ones was so much, I felt lonely. Then I started going to school. This was even worse than in the hospital. It was me who could not move around the class and socialise, not my classmates. But maybe only a few of my classmates realised this, and they became the reason my fake smiles turned into real ones. But the others – they just made me lonely. Maybe they couldn’t accept me like this – a bubbly and cheerful girl full of life, extremely active sportsperson, now sitting in a wheelchair. Maybe they were scared, or didn’t even care. Now, I realised that I couldn’t find my happiness and comfort in everyone. So I decided that I wanted to break free.

I started to shift my focus from being primarily social to studying hard and do what I loved and could. Every time I felt lonely, I sought my wonderful parents. I told them everything I felt, even cried if I wanted to. They understand me better than anybody else ever will. Of course it felt weird the first time, but then we didn’t even need to talk. A nice warm hug would do it all. My loneliness? Temporarily gone, until the next time I’m unable to attend a party with friends or tired of having to stand out. I still go all over these things every single time I feel lonely so I would feel better. And then I entered class 11, a major positive spin in my life.

I am in the Humanities stream, Arts as it was known as previously. We are only 14 students. But on the first day we discovered that we had to sit along with the commerce students. Somehow, I wasn’t happy. I knew almost everybody, but I just couldn’t stand all the staring. I only talked to a few students – I was afraid of the others because I thought they would make fun of me, exclude me. (Luckily this didn’t happen) Then, finally after the attendance was done and the 14 of us went together for our first lesson, I realised that just like me, they were nervous, afraid and shy. They felt the same as me, but in a different context. So I decided to open up, and since we were only 14 in number, we had enough time to speak about ourselves. My new friends started to wipe out my loneliness. They included me in everything I could possibly do. They made me feel special and happy, I had a chance to introspect a lot, I had an opportunity to find true friends, all because they were (and are) by my side. Now when I’m lonely, it is mainly because I rarely meet some of my close friends as they have changed schools. But then, there’s always the thought that wherever they are, they must be happy, and that makes me feel good.

Finally, the battle against loneliness is tough, strenuous and long. But it’s not like we can’t do anything about it: actually there’s a lot we can do. Watch movies, go out to play, listen to your favourite music, introspect, and travel. And yes, find someone who listens to you when you need them, and don’t hide anything from them. Got nobody? Write a diary, or a blog. Discover your creative side. Learn to let go. Remember, if you keep it in your heart, it will break you. Share it with those you trust and you will be happy again!